Have you ever explored your relationship with time? If so, I hope you haven't found it to be as dysfunctional as mine has been in the past!
I attended a personal transformation seminar years ago. They had us do all sorts of exercises that helped disrupt our norms, things designed to challenge us to examine how we related to the world. One that has left a lasting impression on me is one where we walked around a small area, saying out loud one or two things that ran through our heads on a daily basis. I'm sure we looked hilarious. I remember asking people, "Can you spare some time?" as if it were a quarter they could hand me.
It hit home for me then that I never felt I had enough time. I was always rushing everywhere, as if everything were as urgent as life and death. Now that I work in surgery, where things ARE life and death, I see that going to the store is not as serious as I made it out to be.
Even after the seminar, it took me years to realize that I've had this constant urgency running in the background of my life that wants me to HURRY UP!! That is often accompanied with thoughts of obligation that I HAVE TO... (fill in the blank). Sometimes it's a wonderful combination of I HAVE TO HURRY UP! It's a hoot. Did I mention that in most cases there is no fire, no one's life is on the line, and there is nothing that important that requires a 5 alarm response from me? It is exhausting living from that place, let me tell you.
Thankfully, I have also learned that I can change what I am aware of. The bummer? Change takes time. (Ironic for me, I know.) I have always been one to look for, even expect, a quick fix. Something that is a learned pattern; however, a well-worn groove in our neural pathways is going to take more than awareness to shift.
Those messages have been playing on repeat, like a terrible song, in my system for decades. It's like at first, the volume was so low I couldn't quite hear it. I might be uncomfortable or agitated, but couldn't figure out why. As I've healed different layers of my past over time, the volume on the next "thing" gets louder, until I can't take it any more. I have to find the button to make it stop, or change the bloody station, at least.
And so I have slowly been repairing my relationship with time. I have learned I don't like to be rushed. I wake up extra early on nights I have to work so that I can enjoy being at my home longer. I can take my time eating, drinking coffee, and praying and meditating. I sometimes still end up rushing a bit to get out the door, but I'm grateful to give myself some quality time in an environment I love.
I have little interventions with myself when needed. Whenever the volume gets turned up on the message (I HAVE TO HURRY UP) and I start to feel the anxiety that comes along with it, I remind myself the story isn't the truth. Yes, I may be invested in getting somewhere at 3 o'clock, but I don't have to torture myself in the process. That negative mind frame also tends to set off an unpleasant chain reaction: the more I rush, the more flustered I get, and the more likely I am to forget something. It also tends to affect my mood in traffic, and not in a good way!
Along with reminding myself that the story isn't the truth, I can pause for a moment and take some conscious breaths. That helps regulate my nervous system and stops my brain from continuing its incessant chatter about the future I think I need to worry about. It brings me back into the present so that I can focus on my actual surroundings and reground myself. Coming from that place is a much more pleasant experience for myself and those around me.
I am grateful my I am healing my beliefs about my time. It helps me focus my energy on things that really matter to me. It helps me be more present for friends and family, because I'm not worried about the next thing I have to do or place I think I need to be. I can be right here. Right now. With you, Dear Reader. :)
Can you relate to my challenges with time, or does your relationship to it look different from mine? I would love to hear about it, either way. Feel free to drop me a line. I'll make sure to "find" some time to read it. :)
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